Paraguay
Chapter 15 -How Candide Killed the Brother
of His Dear Cunegund
Chapter 16 -What Happened to Our Two
Travelers with Two Girls, Two Monkeys,
and the Savages, Called Oreillons
Chapter 17 -Candide and His Valet Arrive in
the Country of El Dorado-What They Saw
There
Chapter 18 -What They Saw in the Country of
El Dorado
Chapter 19 -What Happened to Them at
Surinam, and How Candide Became
Acquainted with Martin
Chapter 20 -What Befell Candide and Martin
on Their Passage
Chapter 21 -Candide and Martin, While Thus
Reasoning with Each Other, DrawNear to
the Coast of France
Chapter 22 -What Happened to Candide and
Martin in France
Chapter 23 -Candide and Martin Touch upon
the English Coast-What They See There
Chapter 24 -Of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee
Chapter 25 -Candide and Martin Pay a Visit
to Seignor Pococurante, a Noble Venetian
Chapter 26 -Candide and Martin Sup with
Six Sharpers-Who They Were
Chapter 27 -Candide's Voyage to
Constantinople
Chapter 28 -What Befell Candide,
Cunegund, Pangloss, Martin, etc.
Chapter 29 -What Manner Candide Found
Miss Cunegund and the Old Woman Again
Chapter 30 -Conclusion

-1-

Candide listened to his instructions with all
the simplicity natural to his age and
disposition.

Master Pangloss taught the metaphysico-
theologo-cosmolonigology. He could prove
to admiration that there is no effect without
a cause; and, that in this best of all possible
worlds, the Baron's castle was the most
magnificent of all castles, and My Lady the
best of all possible baronesses.

"It is demonstrable," said he, "that things
cannot be otherwise than as they are; for as
all things have been created for some end,
they must necessarily be created for the
best end. Observe, for instance, the nose is
formed for spectacles, therefore we wear
spectacles. The legs are visibly designed
for stockings, accordingly we wear
stockings. Stones were made to be hewn
and to construct castles, therefore My Lord
has a magnificent castle; for the greatest
baron in the province ought to be the best
lodged. Swine were intended to be eaten,
therefore we eat pork all the year round: and
they, who assert that everything is right, do
not express themselves correctly; they
should say that everything is best."

Candide listened attentively and believed
implicitly, for he thought Miss Cunegund
excessively handsome, though he never
had the courage to tell her so. He concluded
that next to the happiness of being Baron of
Thunder-ten-tronckh, the next was that of
being Miss Cunegund, the next that of
seeing her every day, and the last that of
hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss,
the greatest philosopher of the whole
province, and consequently of the whole
world.

One day when Miss Cunegund went to take
a walk in a little neighboring wood which
was called a park, she saw, through the

-2-

towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a
melancholy look towards the magnificent
castle, where dwelt the fairest of young
baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep
in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless.
The snow fell in great flakes, and, in the
morning when he awoke, he was almost
frozen to death; however, he made shift to
crawl to the next town, which was called
Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff, without a
penny in his pocket, and half dead with
hunger and fatigue. He took up his stand at
the door of an inn. He had not been long
there before two men dressed in blue fixed
their eyes steadfastly upon him.

"Faith, comrade," said one of them to the
other, "yonder is a well made young fellow
and of the right size." Upon which they made
up to Candide and with the greatest civility
and politeness invited him to dine with them.

"Gentlemen," replied Candide, with a most
engaging modesty, you do me much honor,
but upon my word I have no money."

"Money, sir!" said one of the blues to him,
"young persons of your appearance and
merit never pay anything; why, are not you
five feet five inches high?"

"Yes, gentlemen, that is really my size,"
replied he, with a low bow.

"Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we
will not only pay your reckoning, but will
never suffer such a clever young fellow as
you to want money. Men were born to assist
one another."

"You are perfectly right, gentlemen," said
Candide, "this is precisely the doctrine of
Master Pangloss; and I am convinced that
everything is for the best."

His generous companions next entreated

-3-

walk, and he marched straight forward,
conceiving it to be a privilege of the human
species, as well as of the brute creation, to
make use of their legs how and when they
pleased. He had not gone above two
leagues when he was overtaken by four
other heroes, six feet high, who bound him
neck and heels, and carried him to a
dungeon. A courtmartial sat upon him, and
he was asked which he liked better, to run
the gauntlet six and thirty times through the
whole regiment, or to have his brains blown
out with a dozen musket-balls?

In vain did he remonstrate to them that the
human will is free, and that he chose
neither; they obliged him to make a choice,
and he determined, in virtue of that divine
gift called free will, to run the gauntlet six
and thirty times.

He had gone through his discipline twice,
and the regiment being composed of 2,000
men, they composed for him exactly 4,000
strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and
nerves from the nape of his neck to his
stern. As they were preparing to make him
set out the third time our young hero, unable
to support it any longer, begged as a favor
that they would be so obliging as to shoot
him through the head; the favor being
granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes,
and he was made to kneel down.

At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty
happening to pass by made a stop, and
inquired into the delinquent's crime, and
being a prince of great penetration, he
found, from what he heard of Candide, that
he was a young metaphysician, entirely
ignorant of the world; and therefore, out of
his great clemency, he condescended to
pardon him, for which his name will be
celebrated in every journal, and in every
age. A skillful surgeon made a cure of the
flagellated Candide in three weeks by

-4-

dispatched out of the world. The ground
about them was covered with the brains,
arms, and legs of dead men.

Candide made all the haste he could to
another village, which belonged to the
Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic
Abares had enacted the same tragedy.
Thence continuing to walk over palpitating
limbs, or through ruined buildings, at length
he arrived beyond the theater of war, with a
little provision in his budget, and Miss
Cunegund's image in his heart. When he
arrived in Holland his provision failed him;
but having heard that the inhabitants of that
country were all rich and Christians, he
made himself sure of being treated by them
in the same manner as the Baron's castle,
before he had been driven thence through
the power of Miss Cunegund's bright eyes.

He asked charity of several grave-looking
people, who one and all answered him, that
if he continued to follow this trade they
would have him sent to the house of
correction, where he should be taught to get
his bread.

He next addressed himself to a person who
had just come from haranguing a numerous
assembly for a whole hour on the subject of
charity. The orator, squinting at him under
his broadbrimmed hat, asked him sternly,
what brought him thither and whether he
was for the good old cause?

"Sir," said Candide, in a submissive
manner, "I conceive there can be no effect
without a cause; everything is necessarily
concatenated and arranged for the best. It
was necessary that I should be banished
from the presence of Miss Cunegund; that I
should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is
necessary I should beg my bread, till I am
able to get it. All this could not have been
otherwise."

-5-

The next day, as Candide was walking out,
he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his
eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose
eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his
teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and
coughing most violently, and every time he
attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.

Candide, divided between compassion
and horror, but giving way to the former,
bestowed on this shocking figure the two
florins which the honest Anabaptist, James,
had just before given to him. The specter
looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and
threw his arms about his neck. Candide
started back aghast.

"Alas!" said the one wretch to the other,
"don't you know dear Pangloss?"

"What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master!
you I behold in this piteous plight? What
dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What
has made you leave the most magnificent
and delightful of all castles? What has
become of Miss Cunegund, the mirror of
young ladies, and Nature's masterpiece?"

"Oh, Lord!" cried Pangloss, "I am so weak I
cannot stand," upon which Candide
instantly led him to the Anabaptist's stable,
and procured him something to eat.

As soon as Pangloss had a little refreshed
himself, Candide began to repeat his
inquiries concerning Miss Cunegund.

"She is dead," replied the other.

"Dead!" cried Candide, and immediately
fainted away; his friend restored him by the
help of a little bad vinegar, which he found
by chance in the stable.

Candide opened his eyes, and again
repeated: "Dead! is Miss Cunegund dead?

-6-

on our noble Baroness; in her arms I tasted
the pleasures of Paradise, which produced
these Hell torments with which you see me
devoured. She was infected with an
ailment, and perhaps has since died of it;
she received this present of a learned
Franciscan, who derived it from the
fountainhead; he was indebted for it to an
old countess, who had it of a captain of
horse, who had it of a marchioness, who
had it of a page, the page had it of a Jesuit,
who, during his novitiate, had it in a direct
line from one of the fellow adventurers of
Christopher Columbus; for my part I shall
give it to nobody, I am a dying man."

"O sage Pangloss," cried Candide, "what a
strange genealogy is this! Is not the devil the
root of it?"

"Not at all," replied the great man, "it was a
thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient
in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had
not caught in an island in America this
disease, which contaminates the source of
generation, and frequently impedes
propagation itself, and is evidently opposed
to the great end of nature, we should have
had neither chocolate nor cochineal. It is
also to be observed, that, even to the
present time, in this continent of ours, this
malady, like our religious controversies, is
peculiar to ourselves. The Turks, the
Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the
Siamese, and the Japanese are entirely
unacquainted with it; but there is a sufficing
reason for them to know it in a few
centuries. In the meantime, it is making
prodigious havoc among us, especially in
those armies composed of well disciplined
hirelings, who determine the fate of nations;
for we may safely affirm, that, when an
army of thirty thousand men engages
another equal in size, there are about twenty
thousand infected with syphilis on each
side."

-7-

While he was arguing in this manner, the sky
was overcast, the winds blew from the four
quarters of the compass, and the ship was
assailed by a most terrible tempest, within
sight of the port of Lisbon.

Chapter 5 A Tempest, a Shipwreck, an
Earthquake, and What Else Befell Dr.
Pangloss, Candide, and James, the
Anabaptist

One half of the passengers, weakened and
half-dead with the inconceivable anxiety
and sickness which the rolling of a vessel at
sea occasions through the whole human
frame, were lost to all sense of the danger
that surrounded them. The others made loud
outcries, or betook themselves to their
prayers; the sails were blown into shreds,
and the masts were brought by the board.
The vessel was a total wreck. Everyone
was busily employed, but nobody could be
either heard or obeyed. The Anabaptist,
being upon deck, lent a helping hand as well
as the rest, when a brutish sailor gave him a
blow and laid him speechless; but, not
withstanding, with the violence of the blow
the tar himself tumbled headforemost
overboard, and fell upon a piece of the
broken mast, which he immediately
grasped.

Honest James, forgetting the injury he had
so lately received from him, flew to his
assistance, and, with great difficulty,
hauled him in again, but, not withstanding,
in the attempt, was, by a sudden jerk of the
ship, thrown overboard himself, in sight of
the very fellow whom he had risked his life
to save and who took not the least notice of
him in this distress. Candide, who beheld all
that passed and saw his benefactor one
moment rising above water, and the next
swallowed up by the merciless waves, was
preparing to jump after him, but was
prevented by the philosopher Pangloss,

-8-

amidst the ruins of demolished houses and
the groans of half-buried and expiring
persons.

Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. "Friend,"
said he, "this is not right, you trespass
against the universal reason, and have
mistaken your time."

"Death and zounds!" answered the other, "I
am a sailor and was born at Batavia, and
have trampled four times upon the crucifix in
as many voyages to Japan; you have come
to a good hand with your universal reason."

In the meantime, Candide, who had been
wounded by some pieces of stone that fell
from the houses, lay stretched in the street,
almost covered with rubbish.

"For God's sake," said he to Pangloss, "get
me a little wine and oil! I am dying."

"This concussion of the earth is no new
thing," said Pangloss, "the city of Lima in
South America experienced the same last
year; the same cause, the same effects;
there is certainly a train of sulphur all the way
underground from Lima to Lisbon."

"Nothing is more probable," said Candide;
"but for the love of God a little oil and wine."

"Probable!" replied the philosopher, "I
maintain that the thing is demonstrable."

Candide fainted away, and Pangloss
fetched him some water from a neighboring
spring. The next day, in searching among
the ruins, they found some eatables with
which they repaired their exhausted
strength. After this they assisted the
inhabitants in relieving the distressed and
wounded. Some, whom they had humanely
assisted, gave them as good a dinner as
could be expected under such terrible

-9-

After the earthquake, which had destroyed
three-fourths of the city of Lisbon, the
sages of that country could think of no
means more effectual to preserve the
kingdom from utter ruin than to entertain the
people with an auto-da-fe, it having been
decided by the University of Coimbra, that
the burning of a few people alive by a slow
fire, and with great ceremony, is an
infallible preventive of earthquakes.

In consequence thereof they had seized on
a Biscayan for marrying his godmother, and
on two Portuguese for taking out the bacon
of a larded pullet they were eating; after
dinner they came and secured Dr.
Pangloss, and his pupil Candide, the one
for speaking his mind, and the other for
seeming to approve what he had said. They
were conducted to separate apartments,
extremely cool, where they were never
incommoded with the sun. Eight days
afterwards they were each dressed in a
sanbenito, and their heads were adorned
with paper mitres. The mitre and sanbenito
worn by Candide were painted with flames
reversed and with devils that had neither
tails nor claws; but Dr. Pangloss's devils
had both tails and claws, and his flames
were upright. In these habits they marched
in procession, and heard a very pathetic
sermon, which was followed by an anthem,
accompanied by bagpipes. Candide was
flogged to some tune, while the anthem was
being sung; the Biscayan and the two men
who would not eat bacon were burned, and
Pangloss was hanged, which is not a
common custom at these solemnities. The
same day there was another earthquake,
which made most dreadful havoc.

Candide, amazed, terrified, confounded,
astonished, all bloody, and trembling from
head to foot, said to himself, "If this is the
best of all possible worlds, what are the
others? If I had only been whipped, I could

-10-

disasters, ate and slept. The next morning,
the old woman brought him his breakfast;
examined his back, and rubbed it herself
with another ointment. She returned at the
proper time, and brought him his dinner;
and at night, she visited him again with his
supper. The next day she observed the
same ceremonies.

"Who are you?" said Candide to her. "Who
has inspired you with so much goodness?
What return can I make you for this charitable
assistance?"

The good old beldame kept a profound
silence. In the evening she returned, but
without his supper.

"Come along with me," said she, "but do not
speak a word."

She took him by the arm, and walked with
him about a quarter of a mile into the
country, till they came to a lonely house
surrounded with moats and gardens. The
old conductress knocked at a little door,
which was immediately opened, and she
showed him up a pair of back stairs, into a
small, but richly furnished apartment. There
she made him sit down on a brocaded sofa,
shut the door upon him, and left him.
Candide thought himself in a trance; he
looked upon his whole life, hitherto, as a
frightful dream, and the present moment as
a very agreeable one.

The old woman soon returned, supporting,
with great difficulty, a young lady, who
appeared scarce able to stand. She was of
a majestic mien and stature, her dress was
rich, and glittering with diamonds, and her
face was covered with a veil.

"Take off that veil," said the old woman to
Candide.

-11-

in consequence of it."

Candide, with the greatest submission,
prepared to obey the commands of his fair
mistress; and though he was still filled with
amazement, though his voice was low and
tremulous, though his back pained him, yet
he gave her a most ingenuous account of
everything that had befallen him, since the
moment of their separation. Cunegund, with
her eyes uplifted to heaven, shed tears
when he related the death of the good
Anabaptist, James, and of Pangloss; after
which she thus related her adventures to
Candide, who lost not one syllable she
uttered, and seemed to devour her with his
eyes all the time she was speaking.

Chapter 8 Cunegund's Story

I was in bed, and fast asleep, when it
pleased Heaven to send the Bulgarians to
our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-
tronckh, where they murdered my father and
brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall
Bulgarian soldier, six feet high, perceiving
that I had fainted away at this sight,
attempted to ravish me; the operation
brought me to my senses. I cried, I
struggled, I bit, I scratched, I would have torn
the tall Bulgarian's eyes out, not knowing
that what had happened at my father's
castle was a customary thing. The brutal
soldier, enraged at my resistance, gave me
a wound in my left leg with his hanger, the
mark of which I still carry."

"Methinks I long to see it," said Candide,
with all imaginable simplicity.

"You shall," said Cunegund, "but let me
proceed."

"Pray do," replied Candide.

She continued. "A Bulgarian captain came

-12-

frightened into a compromise, and it was
agreed between them, that the house and
myself should belong to both in common;
that the Jew should have Monday,
Wednesday, and the Sabbath to himself;
and the Inquisitor the other four days of the
week. This agreement has subsisted
almost six months; but not without several
contests, whether the space from Saturday
night to Sunday morning belonged to the old
or the new law. For my part, I have hitherto
withstood them both, and truly I believe this
is the very reason why they are both so fond
of me.

"At length to turn aside the scourge of
earthquakes, and to intimidate Don
Issachar, My Lord Inquisitor was pleased to
celebrate an auto-da-fe. He did me the
honor to invite me to the ceremony. I had a
very good seat; and refreshments of all
kinds were offered the ladies between
Mass and the execution. I was dreadfully
shocked at the burning of the two Jews, and
the honest Biscayan who married his
godmother; but how great was my surprise,
my consternation, and concern, when I
beheld a figure so like Pangloss, dressed in
a sanbenito and mitre! I rubbed my eyes, I
looked at him attentively. I saw him hanged,
and I fainted away: scarce had I recovered
my senses, when I saw you stripped of
clothing; this was the height of horror, grief,
and despair. I must confess to you for a
truth, that your skin is whiter and more
blooming than that of the Bulgarian captain.
This spectacle worked me up to a pitch of
distraction. I screamed out, and would have
said, 'Hold, barbarians!' but my voice failed
me; and indeed my cries would have
signified nothing. After you had been
severely whipped, I said to myself, 'How is
it possible that the lovely Candide and the
sage Pangloss should be at Lisbon, the one
to receive a hundred lashes, and the other
to be hanged by order of My Lord Inquisitor,

-13-

since the captivity of Babylon.

"What," said he, "thou Galilean slut? The
Inquisitor was not enough for thee, but this
rascal must come in for a share with me?"

In uttering these words, he drew out a long
poniard, which he always carried about
him, and never dreaming that his adversary
had any arms, he attacked him most
furiously; but our honest Westphalian had
received from the old woman a handsome
sword with the suit of clothes. Candide
drew his rapier, and though he was very
gentle and sweet-tempered, he laid the
Israelite dead on the floor at the fair
Cunegund's feet.

"Holy Virgin!" cried she, "what will become
of us? A man killed in my apartment! If the
peace-officers come, we are undone."

"Had not Pangloss been hanged," replied
Candide, "he would have given us most
excellent advice, in this emergency; for he
was a profound philosopher. But, since he
is not here, let us consult the old woman."

She was very sensible, and was beginning
to give her advice, when another door
opened on a sudden. It was now one
o'clock in the morning, and of course the
beginning of Sunday, which, by agreement,
fell to the lot of My Lord Inquisitor. Entering
he discovered the flagellated Candide with
his drawn sword in his hand, a dead body
stretched on the floor, Cunegund frightened
out of her wits, and the old woman giving
advice.

At that very moment, a sudden thought
came into Candide's head. "If this holy
man," thought he, "should call assistance, I
shall most undoubtedly be consigned to the
flames, and Miss Cunegund may perhaps
meet with no better treatment: besides, he

-14-

had by this time reached the little town of
Avacena, in the midst of the mountains of
Sierra Morena, and were engaged in the
following conversation in an inn, where they
had taken up their quarters.

Chapter 10 In What Distress Candide,
Cunegund, and the Old Woman Arrive at
Cadiz, and Of Their Embarkation

Who could it be that has robbed me of my
moidores and jewels?" exclaimed Miss
Cunegund, all bathed in tears. "How shall
we live? What shall we do? Where shall I find
Inquisitors and Jews who can give me
more?"

"Alas!" said the old woman, "I have a
shrewd suspicion of a reverend Franciscan
father, who lay last night in the same inn with
us at Badajoz. God forbid I should condemn
any one wrongfully, but he came into our
room twice, and he set off in the morning
long before us."

"Alas!" said Candide, "Pangloss has often
demonstrated to me that the goods of this
world are common to all men, and that
everyone has an equal right to the
enjoyment of them; but, not withstanding,
according to these principles, the
Franciscan ought to have left us enough to
carry us to the end of our journey. Have you
nothing at all left, my dear Miss Cunegund?"

"Not a maravedi," replied she.

"What is to be done then?" said Candide.

"Sell one of the horses," replied the old
woman. "I will get up behind Miss
Cunegund, though I have only one buttock to
ride on, and we shall reach Cadiz."

In the same inn there was a Benedictine
friar, who bought the horse very cheap.

-15-

"What murmuring and complaining is here
indeed!" cried the old woman. "If you had
suffered half what I have, there might be
some reason for it."

Miss Cunegund could scarce refrain from
laughing at the good old woman, and
thought it droll enough to pretend to a
greater share of misfortunes than her own.

"Alas! my good dame," said she, "unless
you had been ravished by two Bulgarians,
had received two deep wounds in your
belly, had seen two of your own castles
demolished, had lost two fathers, and two
mothers, and seen both of them
barbarously murdered before your eyes,
and to sum up all, had two lovers whipped at
an auto-da-fe, I cannot see how you could
be more unfortunate than I. Add to this,
though born a baroness, and bearing
seventy-two quarterings, I have been
reduced to the station of a cook-wench."

"Miss," replied the old woman, "you do not
know my family as yet; but if I were to show
you my posteriors, you would not talk in this
manner, but suspend your judgment." This
speech raised a high curiosity in Candide
and Cunegund; and the old woman
continued as follows.

Chapter 11 The History of the Old Woman

I have not always been blear-eyed. My nose
did not always touch my chin; nor was I
always a servant. You must know that I am
the daughter of Pope Urban X, and of the
Princess of Palestrina. To the age of
fourteen I was brought up in a castle,
compared with which all the castles of the
German barons would not have been fit for
stabling, and one of my robes would have
bought half the province of Westphalia. I
grew up, and improved in beauty, wit, and
every graceful accomplishment; and in the

-16-

begged the corsair to give them absolution
in articulo mortis.

"The Moors presently stripped us as bare as
ever we were born. My mother, my maids of
honor, and myself, were served all in the
same manner. It is amazing how quick
these gentry are at undressing people. But
what surprised me most was, that they
made a rude sort of surgical examination of
parts of the body which are sacred to the
functions of nature. I thought it a very strange
kind of ceremony; for thus we are generally
apt to judge of things when we have not
seen the world. I afterwards learned that it
was to discover if we had any diamonds
concealed. This practice had been
established since time immemorial among
those civilized nations that scour the seas. I
was informed that the religious Knights of
Malta never fail to make this search
whenever any Moors of either sex fall into
their hands. It is a part of the law of nations,
from which they never deviate.

"I need not tell you how great a hardship it
was for a young princess and her mother to
be made slaves and carried to Morocco.
You may easily imagine what we must have
suffered on board a corsair. My mother was
still extremely handsome, our maids of
honor, and even our common waiting-
women, had more charms than were to be
found in all Africa.

"As to myself, I was enchanting; I was
beauty itself, and then I had my virginity. But,
alas! I did not retain it long; this precious
flower, which had been reserved for the
lovely Prince of Massa Carrara, was
cropped by the captain of the Moorish
vessel, who was a hideous Negro, and
thought he did me infinite honor. Indeed,
both the Princess of Palestrina and myself
must have had very strong constitutions to
undergo all the hardships and violences we

-17-

himself, were all slain, and I remained alone
expiring upon a heap of dead bodies.
Similar barbarous scenes were transacted
every day over the whole country, which is
of three hundred leagues in extent, and yet
they never missed the five stated times of
prayer enjoined by their prophet Mahomet.

"I disengaged myself with great difficulty
from such a heap of corpses, and made a
shift to crawl to a large orange tree that
stood on the bank of a neighboring rivulet,
where I fell down exhausted with fatigue,
and overwhelmed with horror, despair, and
hunger. My senses being overpowered, I
fell asleep, or rather seemed to be in a
trance. Thus I lay in a state of weakness and
insensibility between life and death, when I
felt myself pressed by something that
moved up and down upon my body. This
brought me to myself. I opened my eyes,
and saw a pretty fair-faced man, who
sighed and muttered these words between
his teeth, 'O che sciagura d'essere senza
coglioni!"'

Chapter 12 The Adventures of the Old
Woman Continued

Astonished and delighted to hear my native
language, and no less surprised at the
young man's words, I told him that there
were far greater misfortunes in the world
than what he complained of. And to
convince him of it, I gave him a short history
of the horrible disasters that had befallen
me; and as soon as I had finished, fell into a
swoon again.

"He carried me in his arms to a neighboring
cottage, where he had me put to bed,
procured me something to eat, waited on
me with the greatest attention, comforted
me, caressed me, told me that he had never
seen anything so perfectly beautiful as
myself, and that he had never so much

-18-

me to the Dey of that province. I had not
been long a slave when the plague, which
had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and
Europe, broke out at Algiers with redoubled
fury. You have seen an earthquake; but tell
me, miss, have you ever had the plague?"

"Never," answered the young Baroness.

"If you had ever had it," continued the old
woman, "you would own an earthquake was
a trifle to it. It is very common in Africa; I was
seized with it. Figure to yourself the
distressed condition of the daughter of a
Pope, only fifteen years old, and who in less
than three months had felt the miseries of
poverty and slavery; had been debauched
almost every day; had beheld her mother cut
into four quarters; had experienced the
scourges of famine and war; and was now
dying of the plague at Algiers. I did not,
however, die of it; but my eunuch, and the
Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of
Algiers, were swept off.

"As soon as the first fury of this dreadful
pestilence was over, a sale was made of
the Dey's slaves. I was purchased by a
merchant who carried me to Tunis. This
man sold me to another merchant, who sold
me again to another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I
was sold to Alexandria, from Alexandria to
Smyrna, and from Smyrna to
Constantinople. After many changes, I at
length became the property of an Aga of the
Janissaries, who, soon after I came into his
possession, was ordered away to the
defense of Azoff, then besieged by the
Russians.

"The Aga, being very fond of women, took
his whole seraglio with him, and lodged us
in a small fort, with two black eunuchs and
twenty soldiers for our guard. Our army
made a great slaughter among the
Russians; but they soon returned us the

-19-

the like had happened in many sieges; and
that it was perfectly agreeable to the laws of
war.

"As soon as my companions were in a
condition to walk, they were sent to
Moscow. As for me, I fell to the lot of a
Boyard, who put me to work in his garden,
and gave me twenty lashes a day. But this
nobleman having about two years
afterwards been broken alive upon the
wheel, with about thirty others, for some
court intrigues, I took advantage of the
event, and made my escape. I traveled over
a great part of Russia. I was a long time an
innkeeper's servant at Riga, then at
Rostock, Wismar, Leipsic, Cassel, Utrecht,
Leyden, The Hague, and Rotterdam. I have
grown old in misery and disgrace, living
with only one buttock, and having in
perpetual remembrance that I am a Pope's
daughter. I have been a hundred times upon
the point of killing myself, but still I was fond
of life. This ridiculous weakness is,
perhaps, one of the dangerous principles
implanted in our nature. For what can be
more absurd than to persist in carrying a
burden of which we wish to be eased? to
detest, and yet to strive to preserve our
existence? In a word, to caress the serpent
that devours us, and hug him close to our
bosoms till he has gnawed into our hearts?

"In the different countries which it has been
my fate to traverse, and at the many inns
where I have been a servant, I have
observed a prodigious number of people
who held their existence in abhorrence, and
yet I never knew more than twelve who
voluntarily put an end to their misery;
namely, three Negroes, four Englishmen,
as many Genevese, and a German
professor named Robek. My last place was
with the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed me
near your person, my fair lady; to whose
fortunes I have attached myself, and have

-20-

Captain Candide, and the old woman,
landed and went to wait upon the governor,
Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y
Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza. This
nobleman carried himself with a
haughtiness suitable to a person who bore
so many names. He spoke with the most
noble disdain to everyone, carried his nose
so high, strained his voice to such a pitch,
assumed so imperious an air, and stalked
with so much loftiness and pride, that
everyone who had the honor of conversing
with him was violently tempted to bastinade
His Excellency. He was immoderately fond
of women, and Miss Cunegund appeared
in his eyes a paragon of beauty. The first
thing he did was to ask her if she was not
the captain's wife. The air with which he
made this demand alarmed Candide, who
did not dare to say he was married to her,
because indeed he was not; neither did he
venture to say she was his sister, because
she was not; and though a lie of this nature
proved of great service to one of the
ancients, and might possibly be useful to
some of the moderns, yet the purity of his
heart would not permit him to violate the
truth.

"Miss Cunegund," replied he, "is to do me
the honor to marry me, and we humbly
beseech Your Excellency to condescend to
grace the ceremony with your presence."

Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y
Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza,
twirling his mustachio, and putting on a
sarcastic smile, ordered Captain Candide
to go and review his company. The gentle
Candide obeyed, and the Governor was left
with Miss Cunegund. He made her a strong
declaration of love, protesting that he was
ready to give her his hand in the face of the
Church, or otherwise, as should appear
most agreeable to a young lady of her
prodigious beauty. Cunegund desired leave

-21-

of Buenos Ayres. A report was spread that
an alcayde was going to land, and that he
was in pursuit of the murderers of My Lord,
the Inquisitor. The sage old woman
immediately saw what was to be done.

"You cannot run away," said she to
Cunegund, "but you have nothing to fear; it
was not you who killed My Lord Inquisitor:
besides, as the Governor is in love with you,
he will not suffer you to be ill-treated;
therefore stand your ground."

Then hurrying away to Candide, she said,
"Be gone hence this instant, or you will be
burned alive."

Candide found there was no time to be lost;
but how could he part from Cunegund, and
whither must he fly for shelter?

Chapter 14 The Reception Candide and
Cacambo Met with among the Jesuits in
Paraguay

Candide had brought with him from Cadiz
such a footman as one often meets with on
the coasts of Spain and in the colonies. He
was the fourth part of a Spaniard, of a
mongrel breed, and born in Tucuman. He
had successively gone through the
profession of a singing boy, sexton, sailor,
monk, peddler, soldier, and lackey. His
name was Cacambo; he had a great
affection for his master, because his
master was a very good man. He
immediately saddled the two Andalusian
horses.

"Come, my good master, let us follow the
old woman's advice, and make all the haste
we can from this place without staying to
look behind us."

Candide burst into a flood of tears, "O my
dear Cunegund, must I then be compelled to

-22-

confessions of those very princes in
Europe; who kill Spaniards in America and
send them to Heaven at Madrid. This
pleases me exceedingly, but let us push
forward; you are going to see the happiest
and most fortunate of all mortals. How
charmed will those fathers be to hear that a
captain who understands the Bulgarian
military drill is coming to them."

As soon as they reached the first barrier,
Cacambo called to the advance guard, and
told them that a captain wanted to speak to
My Lord, the General. Notice was given to
the main guard, and immediately a
Paraguayan officer ran to throw himself at
the feet of the Commandant to impart this
news to him. Candide and Cacambo were
immediately disarmed, and their two
Andalusian horses were seized. The two
strangers were conducted between two
files of musketeers, the Commandant was
at the further end with a three-cornered cap
on his head, his gown tucked up, a sword
by his side, and a half-pike in his hand; he
made a sign, and instantly four and twenty
soldiers drew up round the newcomers. A
sergeant told them that they must wait, the
Commandant could not speak to them; and
that the Reverend Father Provincial did not
suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in
his presence, or to stay above three hours in
the province.

"And where is the Reverend Father
Provincial?" said Cacambo.

"He has just come from Mass and is at the
parade," replied the sergeant, "and in about
three hours' time you may possibly have the
honor to kiss his spurs."

"But," said Cacambo, "the Captain, who, as
well as myself, is perishing of hunger, is no
Spaniard, but a German; therefore, pray,
might we not be permitted to break our fast

-23-

"Yes, Reverend Father," answered
Candide.

As they pronounced these words they
looked at each other with great amazement
and with an emotion that neither could
conceal.

"From what part of Germany do you come?"
said the Jesuit.

"From the dirty province of Westphalia,"
answered Candide. "I was born in the castle
of Thunder-ten-tronckh."

"Oh heavens! is it possible?" said the
Commandant.

"What a miracle!" cried Candide.

"Can it be you?" said the Commandant.

On this they both drew a few steps
backwards, then running into each other's
arms, embraced, and wept profusely.

"Is it you then, Reverend Father? You are the
brother of the fair Miss Cunegund? You that
was slain by the Bulgarians! You the
Baron's son! You a Jesuit in Paraguay! I
must confess this is a strange world we live
in. O Pangloss! what joy would this have
given you if you had not been hanged."

The Commandant dismissed the Negro
slaves, and the Paraguayans who
presented them with liquor in crystal
goblets. He returned thanks to God and St.
Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped
Candide in his arms, and both their faces
were bathed in tears.

"You will be more surprised, more affected,
more transported," said Candide, "when I
tell you that Miss Cunegund, your sister,
whose belly was supposed to have been

-24-

new recruits of young German Jesuits. The
sovereigns of Paraguay admit of as few
Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer
those of other nations, as being more
obedient to command. The Reverend
Father General looked upon me as a proper
person to work in that vineyard. I set out in
company with a Polander and a Tyrolese.
Upon my arrival I was honored with a
subdeaconship and a lieutenancy. Now I am
colonel and priest. We shall give a warm
reception to the King of Spain's troops; I
can assure you they will be well
excommunicated and beaten. Providence
has sent you hither to assist us. But is it true
that my dear sister Cunegund is in the
neighborhood with the Governor of Buenos
Ayres?"

Candide swore that nothing could be more
true; and the tears began again to trickle
down their cheeks. The Baron knew no end
of embracing Candide, be called him his
brother, his deliverer.

"Perhaps," said he, "my dear Candide, we
shall be fortunate enough to enter the town,
sword in hand, and recover my sister
Cunegund."

"Ah! that would crown my wishes," replied
Candide; "for I intended to marry her; and I
hope I shall still be able to effect it."

"Insolent fellow!" cried the Baron. "You! you
have the impudence to marry my sister, who
bears seventy-two quarterings! Really, I
think you have an insufferable degree of
assurance to dare so much as to mention
such an audacious design to me."

Candide, thunderstruck at the oddness of
this speech, answered:

"Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the
world are of no signification. I have

-25-

way for the Reverend Father Colonel."

Chapter 16 What Happened to Our Two
Travelers with Two Girls, Two Monkeys,
and the Savages, Called Oreillons

Candide and his valet had already passed
the frontiers before it was known that the
German Jesuit was dead. The wary
Cacambo had taken care to fill his wallet
with bread, chocolate, some ham, some
fruit, and a few bottles of wine. They
penetrated with their Andalusian horses into
a strange country, where they could
discover no beaten path. At length a
beautiful meadow, intersected with purling
rills, opened to their view. Cacambo
proposed to his master to take some
nourishment, and he set him an example.

"How can you desire me to feast upon ham,
when I have killed the Baron's son and am
doomed never more to see the beautiful
Cunegund? What will it avail me to prolong a
wretched life that must be spent far from her
in remorse and despair? And then what will
the journal of Trevoux say?" was Candide's
reply.

While he was making these reflections he
still continued eating. The sun was now on
the point of setting when the ears of our two
wanderers were assailed with cries which
seemed to be uttered by a female voice.
They could not tell whether these were cries
of grief or of joy; however, they instantly
started up, full of that inquietude and
apprehension which a strange place
naturally inspires. The cries proceeded
from two young women who were tripping
disrobed along the mead, while two
monkeys followed close at their heels biting
at their limbs. Candide was touched with
compassion; he had learned to shoot while
he was among the Bulgarians, and he could
hit a filbert in a hedge without touching a

-26-

pass in former times, and that these
commixtures are productive of centaurs,
fauns, and satyrs; and that many of the
ancients had seen such monsters; but I
looked upon the whole as fabulous."

"Now you are convinced," said Cacambo,
"that it is very true, and you see what use is
made of those creatures by persons who
have not had a proper education; all I am
afraid of is that these same ladies may play
us some ugly trick."

These judicious reflections operated so far
on Candide as to make him quit the
meadow and strike into a thicket. There he
and Cacambo supped, and after heartily
cursing the Grand Inquisitor, the Governor
of Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they fell
asleep on the ground. When they awoke they
were surprised to find that they could not
move; the reason was that the Oreillons
who inhabit that country, and to whom the
ladies had given information of these two
strangers, had bound them with cords
made of the bark of trees. They saw
themselves surrounded by fifty naked
Oreillons armed with bows and arrows,
clubs, and hatchets of flint; some were
making a fire under a large cauldron; and
others were preparing spits, crying out one
and all, "A Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be
revenged; we shall have excellent cheer; let
us eat this Jesuit; let us eat him up."

"I told you, master," cried Cacambo,
mournfully, "that these two wenches would
play us some scurvy trick."

Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits,
cried out, "I suppose they are going either to
boil or roast us. Ah! what would Pangloss
say if he were to see how pure nature is
formed? Everything is right; it may be so;
but I must confess it is something hard to be
bereft of dear Miss Cunegund, and to be

-27-

whether my master did not kill one of their
officers. There will be little or no time lost by
this, and you may still reserve our bodies in
your power to feast on if you should find
what we have told you to be false. But, on
the contrary, if you find it to be true, I am
persuaded you are too well acquainted with
the principles of the laws of society,
humanity, and justice, not to use us
courteously, and suffer us to depart unhurt."

This speech appeared very reasonable to
the Oreillons; they deputed two of their
people with all expedition to inquire into the
truth of this affair, who acquitted
themselves of their commission like men of
sense, and soon returned with good tidings
for our distressed adventurers. Upon this
they were loosed, and those who were so
lately going to roast and boil them now
showed them all sorts of civilities, offered
them girls, gave them refreshments, and
reconducted them to the confines of their
country, crying before them all the way, in
token of joy, "He is no Jesuit! he is no
Jesuit!"

Candide could not help admiring the cause
of his deliverance. "What men! what
manners!" cried he. "If I had not fortunately
run my sword up to the hilt in the body of
Miss Cunegund's brother, I should have
certainly been eaten alive. But, after all,
pure nature is an excellent thing; since these
people, instead of eating me, showed me a
thousand civilities as soon as they knew
was not a Jesuit."

Chapter 17 Candide and His Valet Arrive in
the Country of El Dorado-What They Saw
There

When to the frontiers of the Oreillons, said
Cacambo to Candide, "You see, this
hemisphere is not better than the other; now
take my advice and let us return to Europe

-28-

They rowed a few leagues down the river,
the banks of which were in some places
covered with flowers; in others barren; in
some parts smooth and level, and in others
steep and rugged. The stream widened as
they went further on, till at length it passed
under one of the frightful rocks, whose
summits seemed to reach the clouds. Here
our two travelers had the courage to commit
themselves to the stream, which,
contracting in this part, hurried them along
with a dreadful noise and rapidity.

At the end of four and twenty hours they saw
daylight again; but their canoe was dashed
to pieces against the rocks. They were
obliged to creep along, from rock to rock,
for the space of a league, till at length a
spacious plain presented itself to their sight.
This place was bounded by a chain of
inaccessible mountains. The country
appeared cultivated equally for pleasure
and to produce the necessaries of life. The
useful and agreeable were here equally
blended. The roads were covered, or rather
adorned, with carriages formed of glittering
materials, in which were men and women
of a surprising beauty, drawn with great
rapidity by red sheep of a very large size;
which far surpassed the finest coursers of
Andalusian Tetuan, or Mecquinez.

"Here is a country, however," said Candide,
"preferable to Westphalia."

He and Cacambo landed near the first
village they saw, at the entrance of which
they perceived some children covered with
tattered garments of the richest brocade,
playing at quoits. Our two inhabitants of the
other hemisphere amused themselves
greatly with what they saw. The quoits were
large, round pieces, yellow, red, and green,
which cast a most glorious luster. Our
travelers picked some of them up, and they
proved to be gold, emeralds, rubies, and

-29-

came from the kitchen. Cacambo went up
to the door and heard those within talking in
the Peruvian language, which was his
mother tongue; for everyone knows that
Cacambo was born in a village of Tucuman,
where no other language is spoken.

"I will be your interpreter here," said he to
Candide. "Let us go in; this is an eating
house."

Immediately two waiters and two servant-
girls, dressed in cloth of gold, and their hair
braided with ribbons of tissue, accosted the
strangers and invited them to sit down to the
ordinary. Their dinner consisted of four
dishes of different soups, each garnished
with two young paroquets, a large dish of
bouille that weighed two hundred weight,
two roasted monkeys of a delicious flavor,
three hundred hummingbirds in one dish,
and six hundred flybirds in another; some
excellent ragouts, delicate tarts, and the
whole served up in dishes of rock-crystal.
Several sorts of liquors, extracted from the
sugarcane, were handed about by the
servants who attended.

Most of the company were chapmen and
wagoners, all extremely polite; they asked
Cacambo a few questions with the utmost
discretion and circumspection; and replied
to his in a most obliging and satisfactory
manner.

As soon as dinner was over, both Candide
and Cacambo thought they should pay very
handsomely for their entertainment by laying
down two of those large gold pieces which
they had picked off the ground; but the
landlord and landlady burst into a fit of
laughing and held their sides for some time.

When the fit was over, the landlord said,
"Gentlemen, I plainly perceive you are
strangers, and such we are not accustomed

-30-

man; Candide acted now only a second
character, and attended his valet. They
entered a very plain house, for the door was
nothing but silver, and the ceiling was only
of beaten gold, but wrought in such elegant
taste as to vie with the richest. The
antechamber, indeed, was only incrusted
with rubies and emeralds; but the order in
which everything was disposed made
amends for this great simplicity.

The old man received the strangers on his
sofa, which was stuffed with
hummingbirds' feathers; and ordered his
servants to present them with liquors in
golden goblets, after which he satisfied
their curiosity in the following terms.

"I am now one hundred and seventy-two
years old, and I learned of my late father,
who was equerry to the King, the amazing
revolutions of Peru, to which he had been
an eyewitness. This kingdom is the ancient
patrimony of the Incas, who very
imprudently quitted it to conquer another
part of the world, and were at length
conquered and destroyed themselves by
the Spaniards.

"Those princes of their family who remained
in their native country acted more wisely.
They ordained, with the consent of their
whole nation, that none of the inhabitants of
our little kingdom should ever quit it; and to
this wise ordinance we owe the
preservation of our innocence and
happiness. The Spaniards had some
confused notion of this country, to which
they gave the name of El Dorado; and Sir
Walter Raleigh, an Englishman, actually
came very near it about three hundred years
ago; but the inaccessible rocks and
precipices with which our country is
surrounded on all sides, has hitherto
secured us from the rapacious fury of the
people of Europe, who have an

-31-

Candide had a curiosity to see some of
their priests, and desired Cacambo to ask
the old man where they were. At which he
smiling said, "My friends, we are all of us
priests; the King and all the heads of
families sing solemn hymns of thanksgiving
every morning, accompanied by five or six
thousand musicians."

"What!" said Cacambo, "have you no monks
among you to dispute, to govern, to intrigue,
and to burn people who are not of the same
opinion with themselves?"

"Do you take us for fools?" said the old man.
"Here we are all of one opinion, and know
not what you mean by your monks."

During the whole of this discourse Candide
was in raptures, and he said to himself,
"What a prodigious difference is there
between this place and Westphalia; and this
house and the Baron's castle. Ah, Master
Pangloss! had you ever seen El Dorado,
you would no longer have maintained that
the castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh was the
finest of all possible edifices; there is
nothing like seeing the world, that's certain."

This long conversation being ended, the old
man ordered six sheep to be harnessed
and put to the coach, and sent twelve of his
servants to escort the travelers to court.

"Excuse me," said he, "for not waiting on
you in person, my age deprives me of that
honor. The King will receive you in such a
manner that you will have no reason to
complain; and doubtless you will make a
proper allowance for the customs of the
country if they should not happen altogether
to please you."

Candide and Cacambo got into the coach,
the six sheep flew, and, in less than a
quarter of an hour, they arrived at the King's

-32-

heads to the clouds; the marketplaces
decorated with a thousand columns;
fountains of spring water, besides others of
rose water, and of liquors drawn from the
sugarcane, incessantly flowing in the great
squares, which were paved with a kind of
precious stones that emitted an odor like
that of cloves and cinnamon.

Candide asked to see the High Court of
justice, the Parliament; but was answered
that they had none in that country, being utter
strangers to lawsuits. He then inquired if
they had any prisons; they replied none. But
what gave him at once the greatest surprise
and pleasure was the Palace of Sciences,
where he saw a gallery two thousand feet
long, filled with the various apparatus in
mathematics and natural philosophy.

After having spent the whole afternoon in
seeing only about the thousandth part of the
city, they were brought back to the King's
palace. Candide sat down at the table with
His Majesty, his valet Cacambo, and
several ladies of the court. Never was
entertainment more elegant, nor could any
one possibly show more wit than His
Majesty displayed while they were at
supper. Cacambo explained all the King's
bons mots to Candide, and, although they
were translated, they still appeared to be
bons mots. Of all the things that surprised
Candide, this was not the least.

They spent a whole month in this hospitable
place, during which time Candide was
continually saying to Cacambo, "I own, my
friend, once more, that the castle where I
was born is a mere nothing in comparison
to the place where we now are; but still Miss
Cunegund is not here, and you yourself
have doubtless some fair one in Europe for
whom you sigh. If we remain here we shall
only be as others are; whereas if we return
to our own world with only a dozen of El

-33-

vow never to quit the kingdom, and they are
too prudent to break it. Ask me whatever
else you please."

"All we shall ask of Your Majesty," said
Cacambo, "is only a few sheep laden with
provisions, pebbles, and the clay of your
country."

The King smiled at the request and said, "I
cannot imagine what pleasure you
Europeans find in our yellow clay; but take
away as much of it as you will, and much
good may it do you."

He immediately gave orders to his
engineers to make a machine to hoist these
two extraordinary men out of the kingdom.
Three thousand good machinists went to
work and finished it in about fifteen days,
and it did not cost more than twenty millions
sterling of that country's money. Candide
and Cacambo were placed on this
machine, and they took with them two large
red sheep, bridled and saddled, to ride
upon, when they got on the other side of the
mountains; twenty others to serve as
sumpters for carrying provisions; thirty
laden with presents of whatever was most
curious in the country, and fifty with gold,
diamonds, and other precious stones. The
King, at parting with our two adventurers,
embraced them with the greatest cordiality.

It was a curious sight to behold the manner
of their setting off, and the ingenious
method by which they and their sheep were
hoisted to the top of the mountains. The
machinists and engineers took leave of
them as soon as they had conveyed them to
a place of safety, and Candide was wholly
occupied with the thoughts of presenting his
sheep to Miss Cunegund.

"Now," cried he, "thanks to Heaven, we
have more than sufficient to pay the

-34-

frock; for the poor man had lost his left leg
and his right hand.

"Good God," said Candide in Dutch, "what
dost thou here, friend, in this deplorable
condition?"

"I am waiting for my master, Mynheer
Vanderdendur, the famous trader,"
answered the Negro.

"Was it Mynheer Vanderdendur that used
you in this cruel manner?"

"Yes, sir," said the Negro; "it is the custom
here. They give a linen garment twice a
year, and that is all our covering. When we
labor in the sugar works, and the mill
happens to snatch hold of a finger, they
instantly chop off our hand; and when we
attempt to run away, they cut off a leg. Both
these cases have happened to me, and it is
at this expense that you eat sugar in
Europe; and yet when my mother sold me
for ten patacoons on the coast of Guinea,
she said to me, 'My dear child, bless our
fetishes; adore them forever; they will make
thee live happy; thou hast the honor to be a
slave to our lords the whites, by which thou
wilt make the fortune of us thy parents.'

"Alas! I know not whether I have made their
fortunes; but they have not made mine;
dogs, monkeys, and parrots are a thousand
times less wretched than I. The Dutch
fetishes who converted me tell me every
Sunday that the blacks and whites are all
children of one father, whom they call
Adam. As for me, I do not understand
anything of genealogies; but if what these
preachers say is true, we are all second
cousins; and you must allow that it is
impossible to be worse treated by our
relations than we are."

"O Pangloss!" cried out Candide, "such

-35-

value of five or six millions in diamonds; you
are cleverer at these matters than I; you
must go to Buenos Ayres and bring off Miss
Cunegund. If the Governor makes any
difficulty give him a million; if he holds out,
give him two; as you have not killed an
Inquisitor, they will have no suspicion of you.
I'll fit out another ship and go to Venice,
where I will wait for you. Venice is a free
country, where we shall have nothing to fear
from Bulgarians, Abares, Jews or
Inquisitors."

Cacambo greatly applauded this wise
resolution. He was inconsolable at the
thoughts of parting with so good a master,
who treated him more like an intimate friend
than a servant; but the pleasure of being
able to do him a service soon got the better
of his sorrow. They embraced each other
with a flood of tears. Candide charged him
not to forget the old woman. Cacambo set
out the same day. This Cacambo was a
very honest fellow.

Candide continued some days longer at
Surinam, waiting for any captain to carry
him and his two remaining sheep to Italy. He
hired domestics, and purchased many
things necessary for a long voyage; at
length Mynheer Vanderdendur, skipper of a
large Dutch vessel, came and offered his
service.

"What will you have," said Candide, "to carry
me, my servants, my baggage, and these
two sheep you see here, directly to
Venice?"

The skipper asked ten thousand piastres,
and Candide agreed to his demand without
hestitation.

"Ho, ho!" said the cunning Vanderdendur to
himself, "this stranger must be very rich; he
agrees to give me ten thousand piastres

-36-

with grief; and, indeed, he had lost what
would have made the fortune of twenty
monarchs.

Straightway upon his landing he applied to
the Dutch magistrate; being transported
with passion he thundered at the door,
which being opened, he went in, told his
case, and talked a little louder than was
necessary. The magistrate began with
fining him ten thousand piastres for his
petulance, and then listened very patiently to
what he had to say, promised to examine
into the affair on the skipper's return, and
ordered him to pay ten thousand piastres
more for the fees of the court.

This treatment put Candide out of all
patience; it is true, he had suffered
misfortunes a thousand times more
grievous, but the cool insolence of the
judge, and the villainy of the skipper raised
his choler and threw him into a deep
melancholy. The villainy of mankind
presented itself to his mind in all its
deformity, and his soul was a prey to the
most gloomy ideas. After some time,
hearing that the captain of a French ship
was ready to set sail for Bordeaux, as he
had no more sheep loaded with diamonds
to put on board, he hired the cabin at the
usual price; and made it known in the town
that he would pay the passage and board of
any honest man who would give him his
company during the voyage; besides
making him a present of ten thousand
piastres, on condition that such person was
the most dissatisfied with his condition, and
the most unfortunate in the whole province.

Upon this there appeared such a crowd of
candidates that a large fleet could not have
contained them. Candide, willing to choose
from among those who appeared most
likely to answer his intention, selected
twenty, who seemed to him the most

-37-

a man of letters would relieve the
tediousness of the voyage. All the other
candidates complained that Candide had
done them great injustice, but he stopped
their mouths by a present of a hundred
piastres to each.

Chapter 20 What Befell Candide and Martin
on Their Passage

The old philosopher, whose name was
Martin, took shipping with Candide for
Bordeaux. Both had seen and suffered a
great deal, and had the ship been going
from Surinam to Japan round the Cape of
Good Hope, they could have found
sufficient entertainment for each other
during the whole voyage, in discoursing
upon moral and natural evil.

Candide, however, had one advantage
over Martin: he lived in the pleasing hopes
of seeing Miss Cunegund once more;
whereas, the poor philosopher had nothing
to hope for. Besides, Candide had money
and jewels, and, not withstanding he had
lost a hundred red sheep laden with the
greatest treasure outside of El Dorado, and
though he still smarted from the reflection of
the Dutch skipper's knavery, yet when he
considered what he had still left, and
repeated the name of Cunegund, especially
after meal times, he inclined to Pangloss's
doctrine.

"And pray," said he to Martin, "what is your
opinion of the whole of this system? What
notion have you of moral and natural evil?"

"Sir," replied Martin, "our priest accused me
of being a Socinian; but the real truth is, I am
a Manichaean."

"Nay, now you are jesting," said Candide;
"there are no Manichaeans existing at
present in the world."

-38-

which redoubled every moment. Each took
out his glass, and they spied two ships
warmly engaged at the distance of about
three miles. The wind brought them both so
near the French ship that those on board her
had the pleasure of seeing the fight with
great ease. After several smart broadsides
the one gave the other a shot between wind
and water which sunk her outright. Then
could Candide and Martin plainly perceive a
hundred men on the deck of the vessel
which was sinking, who, with hands uplifted
to Heaven, sent forth piercing cries, and
were in a moment swallowed up by the
waves.

"Well," said Martin, "you now see in what
manner mankind treat one another."

"It is certain," said Candide, "that there is
something diabolical in this affair." As he
was speaking thus he spied something of a
shining red hue, which swam close to the
vessel. The boat was hoisted out to see
what it might be, when it proved to be one of
his sheep. Candide felt more joy at the
recovery of this one animal than he did grief
when he lost the other hundred, though
laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado.

The French captain quickly perceived that
the victorious ship belonged to the crown of
Spain; that the other was a Dutch pirate,
and the very same captain who had robbed
Candide. The immense riches which this
villain had amassed, were buried with him
in the deep, and only this one sheep saved
out of the whole.

"You see," said Candide to Martin, "that vice
is sometimes punished. This villain, the
Dutch skipper, has met with the fate he
deserved."

"Very true," said Martin, "but why should the
passengers be doomed also to

-39-

robbed of all I had in the world by
pickpockets and sharpers, at the fair of
Saint-Germain. I was taken up myself for a
robber, and confined in prison a whole
week; after which I hired myself as
corrector to a press in order to get a little
money towards defraying my expenses
back to Holland on foot. I knew the whole
tribe of scribblers, malcontents, and
fanatics. It is said the people of that city are
very polite; I believe they may be."

"For my part, I have no curiosity to see
France," said Candide. "You may easily
conceive, my friend, that after spending a
month in El Dorado, I can desire to behold
nothing upon earth but Miss Cunegund. I am
going to wait for her at Venice. I intend to
pass through France, on my way to Italy. Will
you not bear me company?"

"With all my heart," said Martin. "They say
Venice is agreeable to none but noble
Venetians, but that, nevertheless, strangers
are well received there when they have
plenty of money; now I have none, but you
have, therefore I will attend you wherever
you please."

"Now we are upon this subject," said
Candide, "do you think that the earth was
originally sea, as we read in that great book
which belongs to the captain of the ship?"

"I believe nothing of it," replied Martin, "any
more than I do of the many other chimeras
which have been related to us for some time
past."

"But then, to what end," said Candide, "was
the world formed?"

"To make us mad," said Martin.

"Are you not surprised," continued Candide,
"at the love which the two girls in the country

-40-

and the prize was adjudged to a northern
sage, who demonstrated by A plus B,
minus C, divided by Z, that the sheep must
necessarily be red, and die of the mange.

In the meantime, all travelers whom
Candide met with in the inns, or on the road,
told him to a man, that they were going to
Paris. This general eagerness gave him
likewise a great desire to see this capital;
and it was not much out of his way to
Venice.

He entered the city by the suburbs of Saint-
Marceau, and thought himself in one of the
vilest hamlets in all Westphalia.

Candide had not been long at his inn,
before he was seized with a slight disorder,
owing to the fatigue he had undergone. As
he wore a diamond of an enormous size on
his finger and had among the rest of his
equipage a strong box that seemed very
weighty, he soon found himself between
two physicians, whom he had not sent for, a
number of intimate friends whom he had
never seen, and who would not quit his
bedside, and two women devotees, who
were very careful in providing him hot
broths.

"I remember," said Martin to him, "that the
first time I came to Paris I was likewise
taken ill. I was very poor, and accordingly I
had neither friends, nurses, nor physicians,
and yet I did very well."

However, by dint of purging and bleeding,
Candide's disorder became very serious.
The priest of the parish came with all
imaginable politeness to desire a note of
him, payable to the bearer in the other
world. Candide refused to comply with his
request; but the two devotees assured him
that it was a new fashion. Candide replied,
that he was not one that followed the

-41-

"Pray, sir," said Candide to the abbe, "how
many theatrical pieces have you in France?"

"Five or six thousand," replied the abbe.

"Indeed! that is a great number," said
Candide, "but how many good ones may
there be?"

"About fifteen or sixteen."

"Oh! that is a great number," said Martin.

Candide was greatly taken with an actress,
who performed the part of Queen Elizabeth
in a dull kind of tragedy that is played
sometimes.

"That actress," said he to Martin, "pleases
me greatly; she has some sort of
resemblance to Miss Cunegund. I should be
very glad to pay my respects to her."

The abbe of Perigord offered his service to
introduce him to her at her own house.
Candide, who was brought up in Germany,
desired to know what might be the
ceremonial used on those occasions, and
how a queen of England was treated in
France.

"There is a necessary distinction to be
observed in these matters," said the abbe.
"In a country town we take them to a tavern;
here in Paris, they are treated with great
respect during their lifetime, provided they
are handsome, and when they die we throw
their bodies upon a dunghill."

"How?" said Candide, "throw a queen's
body upon a dunghill!"

"The gentleman is quite right," said Martin,
"he tells you nothing but the truth. I happened
to be at Paris when Miss Monimia made her
exit, as one may say, out of this world into

-42-

"A pamphlet-manger!" said Candide, "what
is that?"

"Why, a pamphlet-manger," replied the
abbe, "is a writer of pamphlets-a fool."

Candide, Martin, and the abbe of Perigord
argued thus on the staircase, while they
stood to see the people go out of the
playhouse.

"Though I am very anxious to see Miss
Cunegund again," said Candide, "yet I have
a great inclination to sup with Miss Clairon,
for I am really much taken with her."

The abbe was not a person to show his face
at this lady's house, which was frequented
by none but the best company.

"She is engaged this evening," said he, "but
I will do myself the honor to introduce you to
a lady of quality of my acquaintance, at
whose house you will see as much of the
manners of Paris as if you had lived here for
forty years."

Candide, who was naturally curious,
suffered himself to be conducted to this
lady's house, which was in the suburbs of
Saint-Honore. The company was engaged
at basser; twelve melancholy punters held
each in his hand a small pack of cards, the
corners of which were doubled down, and
were so many registers of their ill fortune. A
profound silence reigned throughout the
assembly, a pallid dread had taken
possession of the countenances of the
punters, and restless inquietude stretched
every muscle of the face of him who kept
the bank; and the lady of the house, who
was seated next to him, observed with
lynx's eyes every play made, and noted
those who tallied, and made them undouble
their cards with a severe exactness, though
mixed with a politeness, which she thought

-43-

Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity?"

"Yes," answered one of the company, "but I
had not patience to go through it. The town
is pestered with a swarm of impertinent
productions, but this of Dr. Gauchat's
outdoes them all. In short, I was so cursedly
tired of reading this vile stuff that I even
resolved to come here, and make a party at
basset."

"But what say you to the archdeacon T-'s
miscellaneous collection," said the abbe.

"Oh my God!" cried the Marchioness of
Parolignac, "never mention the tedious
creature! Only think what pains he is at to tell
one things that all the world knows; and how
he labors an argument that is hardly worth
the slightest consideration! how absurdly he
makes use of other people's wit! how
miserably he mangles what he has pilfered
from them! The man makes me quite sick!
A few pages of the good archdeacon are
enough in conscience to satisfy anyone."

There was at the table a person of learning
and taste, who supported what the
Marchioness had advanced. They next
began to talk of tragedies. The lady desired
to know how it came about that there were
several tragedies, which still continued to
be played, though they would not bear
reading? The man of taste explained very
clearly how a piece may be in some manner
interesting without having a grain of merit.
He showed, in a few words, that it is not
sufficient to throw together a few incidents
that are to be met with in every romance,
and that to dazzle the spectator the thoughts
should be new, without being farfetched;
frequently sublime, but always natural; the
author should have a thorough knowledge
of the human heart and make it speak
properly; he should be a complete poet,
without showing an affectation of it in any of

-44-

Then turning towards him, "Sir," said he,
"you are doubtless of opinion that everything
is for the best in the physical and moral
world, and that nothing could be otherwise
than it is?"

"I, sir!" replied the man of letters, "I think no
such thing, I assure you; I find that all in this
world is set the wrong end uppermost. No
one knows what is his rank, his office, nor
what he does, nor what he should do. With
the exception of our evenings, which we
generally pass tolerably merrily, the rest of
our time is spent in idle disputes and
quarrels, Jansenists against Molinists, the
Parliament against the Church, and one
armed body of men against another;
courtier against courtier, husband against
wife, and relations against relations. In
short, this world is nothing but one
continued scene of civil war."

"Yes," said Candide, "and I have seen
worse than all that; and yet a learned man,
who had the misfortune to be hanged,
taught me that everything was marvelously
well, and that these evils you are speaking
of were only so many shades in a beautiful
picture."

"Your hempen sage," said Martin, "laughed
at you; these shades, as you call them, are
most horrible blemishes."

"The men make these blemishes," rejoined
Candide, "and they cannot do otherwise."

"Then it is not their fault," added Martin.

The greatest part of the gamesters, who did
not understand a syllable of this discourse,
amused themselves with drinking, while
Martin reasoned with the learned gentleman
and Candide entertained the lady of the
house with a part of his adventures.

-45-

As Candide was going home with the abbe
he felt some qualms of conscience for
having been guilty of infidelity to Miss
Cunegund. The abbe took part with him in
his uneasiness; he had but an
inconsiderable share in the thousand
pieces Candide had lost at play, and the
two diamonds which had been in a manner
extorted from him; and therefore very
prudently designed to make the most he
could of his new acquaintance, which
chance had thrown in his way. He talked
much of Miss Cunegund, and Candide
assured him that he would heartily ask
pardon of that fair one for his infidelity to
her, when he saw her at Venice.

The abbe redoubled his civilities and
seemed to interest himself warmly in
everything that Candide said, did, or
seemed inclined to do.

"And so, sir, you have an engagement at
Venice?"

"Yes, Monsieur l'Abbe," answered
Candide, "I must absolutely wait upon Miss
Cunegund," and then the pleasure he took in
talking about the object he loved, led him
insensibly to relate, according to custom,
part of his adventures with that illustrious
Westphalian beauty.

"I fancy," said the abbe, "Miss Cunegund
has a great deal of wit, and that her letters
must be very entertaining."

"I never received any from her," said
Candide; "for you are to consider that,
being expelled from the castle upon her
account, I could not write to her, especially
as soon after my departure I heard she was
dead; but thank God I found afterwards she
was living. I left her again after this, and now
I have sent a messenger to her near two
thousand leagues from here, and wait here

-46-

in tears, "how do you do? If you cannot bear
the light, speak to me at least."

"Alas! she cannot speak," said the maid.

The sick lady then put a plump hand out of
the bed and Candide first bathed it with
tears, then filled it with diamonds, leaving a
purse of gold upon the easy chair.

In the midst of his transports came an
officer into the room, followed by the abbe,
and a file of musketeers.

"There," said he, "are the two suspected
foreigners." At the same time he ordered
them to be seized and carried to prison.

"Travelers are not treated in this manner in
the country of El Dorado," said Candide.

"I am more of a Manichaean now than ever,"
said Martin.

"But pray, good sir, where are you going to
carry us?" said Candide.

"To a dungeon, my dear sir," replied the
officer.

When Martin had a little recovered himself,
so as to form a cool judgment of what had
passed, he plainly perceived that the
person who had acted the part of Miss
Cunegund was a cheat; that the abbe of
Perigord was a sharper who had imposed
upon the honest simplicity of Candide, and
that the officer was a knave, whom they
might easily get rid of.

Candide following the advice of his friend
Martin, and burning with impatience to see
the real Miss Cunegund, rather than be
obliged to appear at a court of justice,
proposed to the officer to make him a
present of three small diamonds, each of

-47-

possibly wait on you farther than Lower
Normandy."

So saying, he ordered Candide's irons to
be struck off, acknowledged himself
mistaken, and sent his followers about their
business, after which he conducted
Candide and Martin to Dieppe, and left
them to the care of his brother.

There happened just then to be a small
Dutch ship in the harbor. The Norman,
whom the other three diamonds had
converted into the most obliging,
serviceable being that ever breathed, took
care to see Candide and his attendants
safe on board this vessel, that was just
ready to sail for Portsmouth in England. This
was not the nearest way to Venice, indeed,
but Candide thought himself escaped out of
Hell, and did not, in the least, doubt but he
should quickly find an opportunity of
resuming his voyage to Venice.

Chapter 23 Candide and Martin Touch upon
the English Coast-What They See There

Ah Pangloss! Pangloss! ah Martin! ah my
dear Miss Cunegund! What sort of a world is
this?" Thus exclaimed Candide as soon as
he got on board the Dutch ship.

"Why something very foolish, and very
abominable," said Martin.

"You are acquainted with England," said
Candide; "are they as great fools in that
country as in France?"

"Yes, but in a different manner," answered
Martin. "You know that these two nations are
at war about a few acres of barren land in
the neighborhood of Canada, and that they
have expended much greater sums in the
contest than all Canada is worth. To say
exactly whether there are a greater number

-48-

Candide was so shocked at what he saw
and heard, that he would not set foot on
shore, but made a bargain with the Dutch
skipper (were he even to rob him like the
captain of Surinam) to carry him directly to
Venice.

The skipper was ready in two days. They
sailed along the coast of France, and
passed within sight of Lisbon, at which
Candide trembled. From thence they
proceeded to the Straits, entered the
Mediterranean, and at length arrived at
Venice.

"God be praised," said Candide,
embracing Martin, "this is the place where I
am to behold my beloved Cunegund once
again. I can confide in Cacambo, like
another self. All is well, all is very well, all is
well as possible."

Chapter 24 Of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee

Upon their arrival at Venice Candide went in
search of Cacambo at every inn and coffee-
house, and among all the ladies of
pleasure, but could hear nothing of him. He
sent every day to inquire what ships were in,
still no news of Cacambo.

"It is strange," said he to Martin, "very
strange that I should have time to sail from
Surinam to Bordeaux; to travel thence to
Paris, to Dieppe, to Portsmouth; to sail
along the coast of Portugal and Spain, and
up the Mediterranean to spend some
months at Venice; and that my lovely
Cunegund should not have arrived. Instead
of her, I only met with a Parisian impostor,
and a rascally abbe of Perigord. Cunegund
is actually dead, and I have nothing to do but
follow her. Alas! how much better would it
have been for me to have remained in the
paradise of El Dorado than to have returned
to this cursed Europe! You are in the right,

-49-

"Done!" said Martin, "they are not what you
imagine."

"Well, we have only to ask them to dine with
us," said Candide, "and you will see
whether I am mistaken or not."

Thereupon he accosted them, and with
great politeness invited them to his inn to
eat some macaroni, with Lombard
partridges and caviar, and to drink a bottle
of Montepulciano, Lacryma Christi, Cyprus,
and Samos wine. The girl blushed; the
Theatin accepted the invitation and she
followed him, eyeing Candide every now
and then with a mixture of surprise and
confusion, while the tears stole down her
cheeks. No sooner did she enter his
apartment than she cried out, "How,
Monsieur Candide, have you quite forgot
your Pacquette? do you not know her
again?"

Candide had not regarded her with any
degree of attention before, being wholly
occupied with the thoughts of his dear
Cunegund.

"Ah! is it you, child? was it you that reduced
Dr. Pangloss to that fine condition I saw him
in?"

"Alas! sir," answered Pacquette, "it was I,
indeed. I find you are acquainted with
everything; and I have been informed of all
the misfortunes that happened to the whole
family of My Lady Baroness and the fair
Cunegund. But I can safely swear to you that
my lot was no less deplorable; I was
innocence itself when you saw me last. A
Franciscan, who was my confessor, easily
seduced me; the consequences proved
terrible. I was obliged to leave the castle
some time after the Baron kicked you out by
the backside from there; and if a famous
surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I

-50-

wager already."

Friar Giroflee was all this time in the parlor
refreshing himself with a glass or two of
wine till dinner was ready.

"But," said Candide to Pacquette, "you
looked so gay and contented, when I met
you, you sang and caressed the Theatin
with so much fondness, that I absolutely
thought you as happy as you say you are
now miserable."

"Ah! dear sir," said Pacquette, "this is one
of the miseries of the trade; yesterday I was
stripped and beaten by an officer; yet today
I must appear good humored and gay to
please a friar."

Candide was convinced and
acknowledged that Martin was in the right.
They sat down to table with Pacquette and
the Theatin; the entertainment was
agreeable, and towards the end they began
to converse together with some freedom.

"Father," said Candide to the friar, "you
seem to me to enjoy a state of happiness
that even kings might envy; joy and health
are painted in your countenance. You have a
pretty wench to divert you; and you seem to
be perfectly well contented with your
condition as a Theatin."

"Faith, sir," said Friar Giroflee, "I wish with
all my soul the Theatins were every one of
them at the bottom of the sea. I have been
tempted a thousand times to set fire to the
monastery and go and turn Turk. My parents
obliged me, at the age of fifteen, to put on
this detestable habit only to increase the
fortune of an elder brother of mine, whom
God confound! jealousy, discord, and fury,
reside in our monastery. It is true I have
preached often paltry sermons, by which I
have got a little money, part of which the

-51-

"I have heard great talk," said Candide, "of
the Senator Pococurante, who lives in that
fine house at the Brenta, where, they say,
he entertains foreigners in the most polite
manner."

"They pretend this man is a perfect stranger
to uneasiness. I should be glad to see so
extraordinary a being," said Martin.

Candide thereupon sent a messenger to
Seignor Pococurante, desiring permission
to wait on him the next day.

Chapter 25 Candide and Martin Pay a Visit
to Seignor Pococurante, a Noble Venetian

Candide and his friend Martin went in a
gondola on the Brenta, and arrived at the
palace of the noble Pococurante. The
gardens were laid out in elegant taste, and
adorned with fine marble statues; his
palace was built after the most approved
rules of architecture. The master of the
house, who was a man of affairs, and very
rich, received our two travelers with great
politeness, but without much ceremony,
which somewhat disconcerted Candide,
but was not at all displeasing to Martin.

As soon as they were seated, two very
pretty girls, neatly dressed, brought in
chocolate, which was extremely well
prepared. Candide could not help praising
their beauty and graceful carriage.

"The creatures are all right," said the
senator; "I amuse myself with them
sometimes, for I am heartily tired of the
women of the town, their coquetry, their
jealousy, their quarrels, their humors, their
meannesses, their pride, and their folly; I
am weary of making sonnets, or of paying
for sonnets to be made on them; but after
all, these two girls begin to grow very
indifferent to me."

-52-

ridiculous songs, to give a favorite actress
an opportunity of exhibiting her pipe. Let
who will die away in raptures at the trills of a
eunuch quavering the majestic part of
Caesar or Cato, and strutting in a foolish
manner upon the stage, but for my part I
have long ago renounced these paltry
entertainments, which constitute the glory of
modern Italy, and are so dearly purchased
by crowned heads."

Candide opposed these sentiments; but he
did it in a discreet manner; as for Martin, he
was entirely of the old senator's opinion.

Dinner being served they sat down to table,
and, after a hearty repast, returned to the
library. Candide, observing Homer richly
bound, commended the noble Venetian's
taste.

"This," said he, "is a book that was once the
delight of the great Pangloss, the best
philosopher in Germany."

"Homer is no favorite of mine," answered
Pococurante, coolly, "I was made to believe
once that I took a pleasure in reading him;
but his continual repetitions of battles have
all such a resemblance with each other; his
gods that are forever in haste and bustle,
without ever doing anything; his Helen, who
is the cause of the war, and yet hardly acts
in the whole performance; his Troy, that
holds out so long, without being taken: in
short, all these things together make the
poem very insipid to me. I have asked some
learned men, whether they are not in reality
as much tired as myself with reading this
poet: those who spoke ingenuously,
assured me that he had made them fall
asleep, and yet that they could not well
avoid giving him a place in their libraries;
but that it was merely as they would do an
antique, or those rusty medals which are
kept only for curiosity, and are of no manner

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judgment, was astonished at what he
heard; but Martin found there was a good
deal of reason in the senator's remarks.

"Oh! here is a Tully," said Candide; "this
great man I fancy you are never tired of
reading?"

"Indeed I never read him at all," replied
Pococurante. "What is it to me whether he
pleads for Rabirius or Cluentius? I try
causes enough myself. I had once some
liking for his philosophical works; but when I
found he doubted everything, I thought I
knew as much as himself, and had no need
of a guide to learn ignorance."

"Ha!" cried Martin, "here are fourscore
volumes of the memoirs of the Academy of
Sciences; perhaps there may be something
curious and valuable in this collection."

"Yes," answered Pococurante, "so there
might if any one of these compilers of this
rubbish had only invented the art of pin-
making; but all these volumes are filled with
mere chimerical systems, without one
single article conductive to real utility."

"I see a prodigious number of plays," said
Candide, "in Italian, Spanish, and French."

"Yes," replied the Venetian, "there are I think
three thousand, and not three dozen of them
good for anything. As to those huge
volumes of divinity, and those enormous
collections of sermons, they are not all
together worth one single page in Seneca;
and I fancy you will readily believe that
neither myself, nor anyone else, ever looks
into them."

Martin, perceiving some shelves filled with
English books, said to the senator, "I fancy
that a republican must be highly delighted
with those books, which are most of them

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deserved at its first publication; and I only
treat the author now as he was treated in his
own country by his contemporaries."

Candide was sensibly grieved at this
speech, as he had a great respect for
Homer, and was fond of Milton.

"Alas!" said he softly to Martin, "I am afraid
this man holds our German poets in great
contempt."

"There would be no such great harm in that,"
said Martin.

"O what a surprising man!" said Candide,
still to himself; "what a prodigious genius is
this Pococurante! nothing can please him."

After finishing their survey of the library, they
went down into the garden, when Candide
commended the several beauties that
offered themselves to his view.

"I know nothing upon earth laid out in such
had taste," said Pococurante; "everything
about it is childish and trifling; but I shall
have another laid out tomorrow upon a
nobler plan."

As soon as our two travelers had taken
leave of His Excellency, Candide said to
Martin, "Well, I hope you will own that this
man is the happiest of all mortals, for he is
above everything he possesses."

"But do not you see," answered Martin, "that
he likewise dislikes everything he
possesses? It was an observation of Plato,
long since, that those are not the best
stomachs that reject, without distinction, all
sorts of aliments."

"True," said Candide, "but still there must
certainly be a pleasure in criticising
everything, and in perceiving faults where

-55-

"Good heavens! in Constantinople! but no
matter if she were in China, I would fly
thither. Quick, quick, dear Cacambo, let us
be gone."

"Soft and fair," said Cacambo, "stay till you
have supped. I cannot at present stay to say
anything more to you; I am a slave, and my
master waits for me; I must go and attend
him at table: but mum! say not a word, only
get your supper, and hold yourself in
readiness."

Candide, divided between joy and grief,
charmed to have thus met with his faithful
agent again, and surprised to hear he was a
slave, his heart palpitating, his senses
confused, but full of the hopes of recovering
his dear Cunegund, sat down to table with
Martin, who beheld all these scenes with
great unconcern, and with six strangers,
who had come to spend the Carnival at
Venice.

Cacambo waited at table upon one of those
strangers. When supper was nearly over, he
drew near to his master, and whispered in
his ear:

"Sire, Your Majesty may go when you
please; the ship is ready"; and so saying he
left the room.

The guests, surprised at what they had
heard, looked at each other without
speaking a word; when another servant
drawing near to his master, in like manner
said, "Sire, Your Majesty's post-chaise is
at Padua, and the bark is ready." The
master made him a sign, and he instantly
withdrew.

The company all stared at each other again,
and the general astonishment was
increased. A third servant then approached
another of the strangers, and said, "Sire, if

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A young man who sat by Achmet, spoke
next, and said:

"My name is Ivan. I was once Emperor of all
the Russians, but was dethroned in my
cradle. My parents were confined, and I
was brought up in a prison, yet I am
sometimes allowed to travel, though always
with persons to keep a guard over me, and I
come to spend the Carnival at Venice."

The third said:

"I am Charles Edward, King of England; my
father has renounced his right to the throne
in my favor. I have fought in defense of my
rights, and near a thousand of my friends
have had their hearts taken out of their
bodies alive and thrown in their faces. I have
myself been confined in a prison. I am going
to Rome to visit the King, my father, who
was dethroned as well as myself; and my
grandfather and I have come to spend the
Carnival at Venice."

The fourth spoke thus:

"I am the King of Poland; the fortune of war
has stripped me of my hereditary
dominions. My father experienced the same
vicissitudes of fate. I resign myself to the will
of Providence, in the same manner as
Sultan Achmet, the Emperor Ivan, and King
Charles Edward, whom God long preserve;
and I have come to spend the Carnival at
Venice."

The fifth said:

"I am King of Poland also. I have twice lost
my kingdom; but Providence has given me
other dominions, where I have done more
good than all the Sarmatian kings put
together were ever able to do on the banks
of the Vistula; I resign myself likewise to
Providence; and have come to spend the

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to take Candide and Martin on board.
Accordingly they both embarked, after
paying their obeisance to his miserable
Highness. As they were going on board,
Candide said to Martin:

"You see we supped in company with six
dethroned Kings, and to one of them I gave
charity. Perhaps there may be a great many
other princes still more unfortunate. For my
part I have lost only a hundred sheep, and
am now going to fly to the arms of my
charming Miss Cunegund. My dear Martin, I
must insist on it, that Pangloss was in the
right. All is for the best."

"I wish it may be," said Martin.

"But this was an odd adventure we met with
at Venice. I do not think there ever was an
instance before of six dethroned monarchs
supping together at a public inn."

"This is not more extraordinary," said
Martin, "than most of what has happened to
us. It is a very common thing for kings to be
dethroned; and as for our having the honor
to sup with six of them, it is a mere accident,
not deserving our attention."

As soon as Candide set his foot on board
the vessel, he flew to his old friend and valet
Cacambo and, throwing his arms about his
neck, embraced him with transports of joy.

"Well," said he, "what news of Miss
Cunegund? Does she still continue the
paragon of beauty? Does she love me still?
How does she do? You have, doubtless,
purchased a superb palace for her at
Constantinople."

"My dear master," replied Cacambo, "Miss
Cunegund washes dishes on the banks of
the Propontis, in the house of a prince who
has very few to wash. She is at present a

-58-

"Ah!" cried Candide, "was Pangloss here
now, he would have known, and satisfied
me at once."

"I know not," said Martin, "in what balance
your Pangloss could have weighed the
misfortunes of mankind, and have set a just
estimation on their sufferings. All that I
pretend to know of the matter is that there
are millions of men on the earth, whose
conditions are a hundred times more
pitiable than those of King Charles Edward,
the Emperor Ivan, or Sultan Achmet."

"Why, that may be," answered Candide.

In a few days they reached the Bosphorus;
and the first thing Candide did was to pay a
high ransom for Cacambo; then, without
losing time, he and his companions went on
board a galley, in order to search for his
Cunegund on the banks of the Propontis,
notwithstanding she was grown so ugly.

There were two slaves among the crew of
the galley, who rowed very ill, and to whose
bare backs the master of the vessel
frequently applied a lash. Candide, from
natural sympathy, looked at these two
slaves more attentively than at any of the
rest, and drew near them with an eye of pity.
Their features, though greatly disfigured,
appeared to him to bear a strong
resemblance with those of Pangloss and
the unhappy Baron Jesuit, Miss
Cunegund's brother. This idea affected him
with grief and compassion: he examined
them more attentively than before.

"In troth," said he, turning to Martin, "if I had
not seen my master Pangloss fairly hanged,
and had not myself been unlucky enough to
run the Baron through the body, I should
absolutely think those two rowers were the
men."

-59-

The captain, upon Candide's first proposal,
had already tacked about, and he made the
crew ply their oars so effectually, that the
vessel flew through the water, quicker than
a bird cleaves the air.

Candide bestowed a thousand embraces
on the Baron and Pangloss. "And so then,
my dear Baron, I did not kill you? and you,
my dear Pangloss, are come to life again
after your hanging? But how came you
slaves on board a Turkish galley?"

"And is it true that my dear sister is in this
country?" said the Baron.

"Yes," said Cacambo.

"And do I once again behold my dear
Candide?" said Pangloss.

Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to
them; they embraced each other, and all
spoke together. The galley flew like
lightning, and soon they were got back to
port. Candide instantly sent for a Jew, to
whom he sold for fifty thousand sequins a
diamond richly worth one hundred
thousand, though the fellow swore to him all
the time by Father Abraham that he gave
him the most he could possibly afford. He
no sooner got the money into his hands,
than he paid it down for the ransom of the
Baron and Pangloss. The latter flung
himself at the feet of his deliverer, and
bathed him with his tears; the former
thanked him with a gracious nod, and
promised to return him the money the first
opportunity.

"But is it possible," said he, "that my sister
should be in Turkey?"

"Nothing is more possible," answered
Cacambo, "for she scours the dishes in the
house of a Transylvanian prince."

-60-

"It is true," answered Pangloss, "you saw
me hanged, though I ought properly to have
been burned; but you may remember, that it
rained extremely hard when they were
going to roast me. The storm was so violent
that they found it impossible to light the fire;
so they hanged me because they could do
no better. A surgeon purchased my body,
carried it home, and prepared to dissect
me. He began by making a crucial incision
from my navel to the clavicle. It is impossible
for anyone to have been more lamely
hanged than I had been. The executioner
was a subdeacon, and knew how to burn
people very well, but as for hanging, he was
a novice at it, being quite out of practice; the
cord being wet, and not slipping properly,
the noose did not join. In short, I still
continued to breathe; the crucial incision
made me scream to such a degree, that my
surgeon fell flat upon his back; and
imagining it was the Devil he was
dissecting, ran away, and in his fright
tumbled down stairs. His wife hearing the
noise, flew from the next room, and seeing
me stretched upon the table with my crucial
incision, was still more terrified than her
husband, and fell upon him. When they had a
little recovered themselves, I heard her say
to her husband, 'My dear, how could you
think of dissecting a heretic? Don't you
know that the Devil is always in them? I'll run
directly to a priest to come and drive the evil
spirit out.' I trembled from head to foot at
hearing her talk in this manner, and exerted
what little strength I had left to cry out, 'Have
mercy on me!' At length the Portuguese
barber took courage, sewed up my wound,
and his wife nursed me; and I was upon my
legs in a fortnight's time. The barber got me
a place to be lackey to a Knight of Malta,
who was going to Venice; but finding my
master had no money to pay me my wages,
I entered into the service of a Venetian
merchant and went with him to
Constantinople.

-61-

Chapter 29 What Manner Candide Found
Miss Cunegund and the Old Woman Again

While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss,
Martin, and Cacambo, were relating their
several adventures, and reasoning on the
contingent or noncontingent events of this
world; on causes and effects; on moral and
physical evil; on free will and necessity; and
on the consolation that may be felt by a
person when a slave and chained to an oar
in a Turkish galley, they arrived at the house
of the Transylvanian prince on the shores of
the Propontis. The first objects they beheld
there, were Miss Cunegund and the old
woman, who were hanging some
tablecloths on a line to dry.

The Baron turned pale at the sight. Even the
tender Candide, that affectionate lover,
upon seeing his fair Cunegund all
sunburned, with bleary eyes, a withered
neck, wrinkled face and arms, all covered
with a red scurf, started back with horror;
but, not withstanding, recovering himself,
he advanced towards her out of good
manners. She embraced Candide and her
brother; they embraced the old woman, and
Candide ransomed them both.

There was a small farm in the neighborhood
which the old woman proposed to Candide
to make shift with till the company should
meet with a more favorable destiny.
Cunegund, not knowing that she was grown
ugly, as no one had informed her of it,
reminded Candide of his promise in so
peremptory a manner, that the simple lad
did not dare to refuse her; he then
acquainted the Baron that he was going to
marry his sister.

"I will never suffer," said the Baron, "my
sister to be guilty of an action so derogatory
to her birth and family; nor will I bear this
insolence on your part. No, I never will be

-62-

Jesuit, and punishing the pride of a German
baron.

It was altogether natural to imagine, that
after undergoing so many disasters,
Candide, married to his mistress and living
with the philosopher Pangloss, the
philosopher Martin, the prudent Cacambo,
and the old woman, having besides brought
home so many diamonds from the country
of the ancient Incas, would lead the most
agreeable life in the world. But he had been
so robbed by the Jews, that he had nothing
left but his little farm; his wife, every day
growing more and more ugly, became
headstrong and insupportable; the old
woman was infirm, and more ill-natured yet
than Cunegund. Cacambo, who worked in
the garden, and carried the produce of it to
sell in Constantinople, was above his labor,
and cursed his fate. Pangloss despaired of
making a figure in any of the German
universities. And as to Martin, he was firmly
persuaded that a person is equally ill-
situated everywhere. He took things with
patience.

Candide, Martin, and Pangloss disputed
sometimes about metaphysics and
morality. Boats were often seen passing
under the windows of the farm laden with
effendis, bashaws, and cadis, that were
going into banishment to Lemnos, Mytilene
and Erzerum. And other cadis, bashaws,
and effendis were seen coming back to
succeed the place of the exiles, and were
driven out in their turns. They saw several
heads curiously stuck upon poles, and
carried as presents to the Sublime Porte.
Such sights gave occasion to frequent
dissertations; and when no disputes were
in progress, the irksomeness was so
excessive that the old woman ventured one
day to tell them:

"I would be glad to know which is worst, to

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"Ah!" said Pangloss to Pacquette, "it is
Heaven that has brought you here among
us, my poor child! Do you know that you
have cost me the tip of my nose, one eye,
and one ear? What a handsome shape is
here! and what is this world!"

This new adventure engaged them more
deeply than ever in philosophical
disputations.

In the neighborhood lived a famous dervish
who passed for the best philosopher in
Turkey; they went to consult him: Pangloss,
who was their spokesman, addressed him
thus:

"Master, we come to entreat you to tell us
why so strange an animal as man has been
formed?"

"Why do you trouble your head about it?"
said the dervish; "is it any business of
yours?"

"But, Reverend Father," said Candide,
"there is a horrible deal of evil on the earth."

"What signifies it," said the dervish,
"whether there is evil or good? When His
Highness sends a ship to Egypt does he
trouble his head whether the rats in the
vessel are at their ease or not?"

"What must then be done?" said Pangloss.

"Be silent," answered the dervish.

"I flattered myself," replied Pangloss, "to
have reasoned a little with you on the
causes and effects, on the best of possible
worlds, the origin of evil, the nature of the
soul, and a pre-established harmony."

At these words the dervish shut the door in
their faces.

-64-

and our labor keeps off from us three great
evils-idleness, vice, and want."

Candide, as he was returning home, made
profound reflections on the Turk's
discourse.

"This good old man," said he to Pangloss
and Martin, "appears to me to have chosen
for himself a lot much preferable to that of
the six Kings with whom we had the honor to
sup."

"Human grandeur," said Pangloss, "is very
dangerous, if we believe the testimonies of
almost all philosophers; for we find Eglon,
King of Moab, was assassinated by Aod;
Absalom was hanged by the hair of his
head, and run through with three darts; King
Nadab, son of Jeroboam, was slain by
Baaza; King Ela by Zimri; Okosias by Jehu;
Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings
Jehooiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were
led into captivity: I need not tell you what was
the fate of Croesus, Astyages, Darius,
Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus, Perseus,
Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar,
Pompey, Nero, Otho, Vitellius, Domitian,
Richard II of England, Edward II, Henry VI,
Richard Ill, Mary Stuart, Charles I, the three
Henrys of France, and the Emperor Henry
IV."

"Neither need you tell me," said Candide,
"that we must take care of our garden."

"You are in the right," said Pangloss; "for
when man was put into the garden of Eden,
it was with an intent to dress it; and this
proves that man was not born to be idle."

"Work then without disputing," said Martin;
"it is the only way to render life supportable."

The little society, one and all, entered into
this laudable design and set themselves to

-65-

exert their different talents. The little piece
of ground yielded them a plentiful crop.
Cunegund indeed was very ugly, but she
became an excellent hand at pastrywork:
Pacquette embroidered; the old woman
had the care of the linen. There was none,
down to Brother Giroflee, but did some
service; he was a very good carpenter, and
became an honest man. Pangloss used
now and then to say to Candide:

"There is a concatenation of all events in the
best of possible worlds; for, in short, had
you not been kicked out of a fine castle for
the love of Miss Cunegund; had you not
been put into the Inquisition; had you not
traveled over America on foot; had you not
run the Baron through the body; and had you
not lost all your sheep, which you brought
from the good country of El Dorado, you
would not have been here to eat preserved
citrons and pistachio nuts."

"Excellently observed," answered Candide;
"but let us cultivate our garden." THE END

-66-